Fart Wars

I have to tell you, our house stinks. We have 4 dogs and that should be enough to make our house casa no grata. But no. There is a war going on. Josh is trying to prove he is still the man of the house and Penny is trying to make her place here at the Stewart Inn. Me? I am lucky to even have a bowel movement these days. We are the three bears of farting. I feel sorry for Goldilocks. And the dogs.

Josh is a master farter. He can even absorb smells around him and fart them out later, smelling exactly the same. Never seems to be good smells though :(. He's working on apple pie and clean laundry smells though. He also has longevity and depth. If you are in the room when he farts, he will look at you for confirmation that you heard it. And if you don't have a reaction, I really think it ruins his mood. While he is loud and proud and a bit stinky, it's usually bearable.

I don't fart as much as Josh. Even before the baby, I didn't fart as much. After the baby? I don't fart much but when I do, it is a joyous event! I have no skills. I can be loud or soft, just depending on the day and my diet that day. When I do finally let go... let's just say I can clear a room. I am pretty smelly. Maybe it is because of my vegetable intake.... I don't know. But it is not bearable, even for me.

Penny. Now Penny is new at this, but ever since we brought her home she has been practicing her farting abilities. She surpassed me in smell. She has surpassed Josh in volume. She wakes up in the morning and plays the trumpet. She giggles and farts. She is so impressive that people holding her think that she is making a poopy diaper... No. She has just farted on you. People will tell me, "No way! She just pooped! I know it! I felt it hit the diaper! And the smell is strong so she had to have pooped!" Nope. She just farted on you. I've even had people change her diaper just to prove it. The child is a master. I gave birth to a gas master.

This is a daily occurrence. Our house is loud and stinky. And while Josh and I do our share to contribute to what I can only assume is a toxic zone, Penny has made our home levitate with fumes. Her future as a teenager with this talent has left me thinking... Should I really be as proud of her as much as I am??? Yeah, she's going to be one of THOSE girls, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!